Klingon warriors growled; Federation officers grumbled, all impatient for the beauteous and fearsome Klingon lovelies to take the stage for the 2002 Miss Klingon Empire Beauty Pageant. Something had to be done. A valiant Klingon warrior sprang to action. Harassing and terrorizing the audience, he grabbed random people and dragged them forward in order to tease and humiliate them for the restless crowd’s entertainment. It was the honorable thing to do.
But finally, emcee Eric Watts took the stage and introduced the ten contestants. There was strutting, there was threatening, there was posturing. But Watts was able to keep the bloodshed to a minimum.
During the talent portion of the competition, contestants displayed their prowess in feats as varied as Miss K’val K’ree (Jacqueline Gustafson) spinning a pair of “flaming” Klingon fireballs in a dizzying pattern of flashing red to Miss Kay’Lan (Adena Benton) stalking off the stage after announcing “I’m in no mood to perform.” There was Klingon opera, Klingon poetry—a masterful display of double entendre as Captain KheTara Sutai Lorenssith (Christine Arriaga) listed the virtues of her “blade”—and a demonstration of command capability as Lady K’dessa (Jo-jo) conducted the audience in rounds of “Steer Steer Steer Your Ship”—sung to the tune of “Row Row Row Your Boat.”
For the “Personality” segment, contestants had to answer such thorny questions as:
- “Is Klingon cleavage a weapon? Support your answer.”
- “Raktagino or blood wine?”
- “And how would you eliminate world peace?”
Showing that Klingons do indeed come in blonde, to the question “of what is the Klingon heart forged?” Miss K’ten of Q’onos (Veronica Dwayne) in her Hooters waitress uniform replied “Anybody want some hot wings?”
Truly, the judges—Robert Picardo (the emergency medical holograph doctor on Voyager), Ethan Phillips (Nilex on Voyager, a ferengi on Enterprise), Armin Shimerman (Quark on DS9), and Miss USA Galaxy—were faced with a daunting task. But they persevered, despite, as Armin Shimerman quipped, having “two ferengi sitting behind the table and it’s the humahn who’s adding up the numbers.”
Announcing the 2002 Miss Klingon Empire winner:
Ruthar Sutai-Lorenssith (Meg Costabile)
K’val K’ree (Jacqueline Gustafson)
And finally, parting words of wisdom from the 2001 Miss Klingon Empire winner (Sherry Williams) to the 2002 winner: “Don’t let me behind your back.”